Every body is accusing the media of sensationalism … I'm still waiting for intelligence!  Real headlines from across the country:

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says" (Guess that's why he's the expert, huh?)

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers" (Wonder how you apply for the job?)

"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?" (Debris?! Good gawd, I hope not!)

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over" (I always wondered how those new species pop up!)

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death" (Well, duh … do you blame them?)

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant" (Obviously the community service bit didn't work!)

"War Dims Hope for Peace" (Yep, sounds like a political statement to me!) 

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile" (Wait! Didn't Dubya say this about war or something?)

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" (Yep, one more rocket scientist in our midst!)

"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide" (Huh … wonder what gave it away?) 

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" (Well, I suppose it's better than Elmer's glue)

"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge" (I'm guessing he already had his battery charged!)

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group" (Yoo-hoo! Open your eyes! You don't have to look far!)

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft" (Exactly why I don't drink Tang!)

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks" (Mmmmmm! Especially with a little mustard and onion!)

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half" (WOW! And I thought my high school was tough!)

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"  (Probably some new mutant strain of growth hormone … or too many kid snacks)
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" (But it's sure gonna save on funeral costs!)