Entry: Let's Start A "Dear Blog-Basket" Column! Monday, October 02, 2006



I have a friend. A stupid friend. I realize that probably isn't a nice thing to say but even she realizes it so I figure it's fair game. 

This friend is in a situation that she's trying to figure out whether to stay in as it is, take her chances at a confrontation or just say screw it and get the hell out.

She thought about writing to one of those "Dear Abby" advice columns (much like Abby considered the medical column in her local newspaper), but when I suggested throwing the situation into the blog-basket and see what kind of advice the real world has to offer, she decided to give it a shot.

So ... here's the situation:

She has been in a relationship for about three years; she moved in with her "love" about a year and a half ago; They moved to another state about six months ago and bought a house. The thing is, her name is not on the house (there were a couple of reasons for this at the time, but we won't go into that). Over the past several months, there have been a couple of conversations in which her "love" insinuated that putting her name on the house was something they needed to do, especially if something happened to him.

Now because of the financial situation ... he makes an excellent salary, has several investment accounts, IRA, CDs, etc., ... she doesn't have to work, not does he want her to work.  She is basically a "kept" woman. She lives in a nice house (which she decorated and she takes care of), she can buy just about anything she wants or needs with no questions asked (well, there are some limitations ... a new car might be pushing it), she pretty much wants for nothing.  Something women around the world would give their eye teeth for.

Except ... everything he has, all of those investments, including the newest life insurance policy and 401K through his new employer, have his (grown) children as beneficiaries.  And she knew that going in to the situation. What bothers her is that he recently changed an attachment to his will in which he specifically listed the house they now share as being a part of his assets that are to go to the kids. Not to her.

The thing is, she's afraid to confront him because what if he says something like "You don't like it? Leave" and she can't just say screw it and walk away because she has nothing to walk away with ... no job, no money, no place to go. Oh, there are places she could go but ... she really doesn't want to go.

My advice to her is to suck it up, get a job (whether he likes it or not), and get financially independent so that when she does confront him, she can leave if that's what happens.

Okay.  Your turn.
   13 comments

Static Brain
October 4, 2006   01:07 AM PDT
 
She definitely should get a job and become independent. If she doesn't and he dies, then she is going to be in a world of hurt. 'Nuff said.
Miss Cellania
October 3, 2006   09:00 AM PDT
 
I'm with you on she should get a job and work towards independence. Forget waiting for him to die, because $50,000 isn't all that much, certainly not worth it. If it were ME, I would confront him whatever the risk. How come they haven't married? I would never let myself be dependent on a man without a marriage liscence. Come to think of it, I've never been dependent on a man even WITH a marriage liscence.
plh
October 3, 2006   07:31 AM PDT
 
i was thinking - name the blog... 'hell in a blog hand basket'

LOL
jerry
October 2, 2006   04:36 PM PDT
 
I also meant to say the places she could go but doesn't want to are a lot more palatable when you're not forced to go becuase someone kid just sold your home
jerry
October 2, 2006   04:35 PM PDT
 
She should confront him, not in a confrontation way just say something like

Since you recently changed your will, i have been doing some thinking. This is the question that I have come up with and can not get past, what is to happen to me if something happens to you?

Not working your friend doesn't get social security, having no assets, no credit and having been left out of the job force for a long while, having to support your self while dealing with the loss of your love is a very tenious position to find yourself in.

If he does love her he will provide for her, if he doesn't she should not waste anymore time.
Candy
October 2, 2006   11:52 AM PDT
 
hrm - sticky one.

If they love each other, than this is something to be discussed. Especially if marriage is on the horizon. One would think that as soon as one becomes the wife, the kids get bumped down just a notch. Maybe she should stick it out and wait until they marry. Or maybe confront him now and wonder what the end result will be. I don't know the guy, so it's kind of hard to predict. Though, it makes me wonder if she really believes he would tell her to like it or leave it.

Best of luck to her.
Tammy
October 2, 2006   11:44 AM PDT
 
I agree with the advice that she get a job and have a place to fall should that happen and she gets "tripped" up.

This situation definitely needs to be discussed. Probably more sooner than later.

Good luck to your friend!
Name
October 2, 2006   11:27 AM PDT
 
She should get a job and become independent of him. Explain to him why she is doing it when he asks and go from there. Or just start socking money away in her own account so it's there should the need ever arise.
My heart goes out to your friend, I completely understand the emotions involved.
Dana
October 2, 2006   11:23 AM PDT
 
I'd tell that close FRIEND to hang in there, and do what's right for her, but , of course I'm a good one to give advice. Let's us know how it works out for HER !!
AbbyNormal
October 2, 2006   11:07 AM PDT
 
I agree with you. She needs to acquire some of her own savings so she can be self sufficient, should that need arise down the road.

Or get him drunk, have a quickie wedding, then confront him about the issue when he sobers up.
plh
October 2, 2006   09:30 AM PDT
 
I agree with you!!!

poor woman - but then again has he asked her to marry him? if so id say yes and then ask to change some of the items mentioned -
Deirdre
October 2, 2006   09:14 AM PDT
 
Best wishes to your friend. <3
Deirdre
October 2, 2006   09:14 AM PDT
 
I agree with your advice.

She can't just sit around and hope that things will work out in the end.

It's odd that he wouldn't list her as a beneficiary considering they bought the house "together".

I think it's better if she gets independent of him like you said.

Leave a Comment:

Name


Homepage (optional)


Comments