Well, it didn't actually go "bump".

In fact, it didn't make any sound at all.

Nothing.

Total silence.

And, no pain.

No "stinging-burning-itching-irritating-painful-sensation" at all.

At least not until two or three days later.  Then everything exploded.  And what began as a tiny red bump became an extremely huge, irritated, painful, red and black volcano.

That was two weeks ago.  This morning, the crater left from the volcano is well on it's way to recovery and after being released by the doctor, I was able to enjoy a very long, hot shower.  After two weeks of sponge-baths.  I hate sponge baths.

The culprit in all of this?  A tiny little critter better known as a Brown Recluse Spider. How or where our paths crossed, I still have no idea.  I'm fairly sure it wasn't outside in the yard nor was it on the patio or in the car.  How can I be sure of this?

Because it bit me on the butt.  I suppose it could have crawled up (or down) inside my pants, but I hope I would have felt that.

If not, I'm signing up for sensitivity training. Soon.

After watching a Power Point show this morning, one of the pictures reminded me of poor little Chance, who had quite a resemblance to Yoda when he went into one of his pet-me-and-I'll-drool-trances.  In his honor, I thought I would run a repeat performance here.  From the Archives (April 2005):

Choudini. His proper name is Chance but after numerous escapes from a full wire cat enclosure and a five foot high wire fence, he earned the nickname Choudini.

This long, skinny, brain-damaged, half-tailed black cat came to live with sister-friend Stephanie as a kitten, after being severely abused by a 10-year-old-future-Jeffery Dahmer-type kid. 

Choudini is a unique little guy, unlike any cat I have ever known.  His greatest pleasure in life, other than planning his next escape, is being petted. He manages to become so involved that his little eyes close, his tongue sticks out and he drools. He drools a lot.

I came to this realization one evening while Stephanie and I were visiting Steph's daughter in Sacramento.  Choudini had stayed behind when Steph and David made the move to Maine and was happily chasing bugs and tormenting the neighborhood cats - or so he thought. This simple-minded little guy has no idea that he is a lover, not a fighter.  Inevitably, he ends up on the vet's table, and our visit to Sacramento coincided with the aftermath of one of these visits.

Choudini was once again wandering around with a cone on his head, happily ignorant of the fact that he had no peripheral vision.  Steph had always been his favorite people  but for some reason, on this trip he decided that I would the designated petter-person.  He insistently climbed up on my chest as I lay on the couch, trying to go to sleep.

It's difficult to ignore a cat with a cone on his head, sitting on your chest, demanding attention and the simplest thing to do was just pet him. So I did. And he sat there, purring, eyes closed, tongue sticking out ... and drooling.

Which became very apparent when he finally put his head down to look at me and the cat-drool that had gathered in the cone poured out.

It makes for a rather rude awakening.

Yeah, don't get too excited.  I'm only talking about a quick update on where I've been, what I've been doing, all that happy crap that I know every body really wants to hear.

In a nutshell:

1.  My paints, brushes, canvases, easel, pencils, pens ... all still sitting in exactly the same place they were two months ago (so if you are breathlessly awaiting some incredible masterpiece, well, go ahead and breath. Otherwise you're going to pass out.  And I take no responsibility for any asphyxiation suffered here);

2.  I've been spending a lot of time visiting Uncle Jerry, who is now in an assisted living place after a few months of intensive nursing care.  The upside is that he's doing much better; the downside is that he's doing much better and now thinks he can go back to driving and living on his own.  Not. Gonna. Happen. (especially since the DMV pulled his license and we moved him out of his apartment). Plus, we think he's in the beginning stages of dementia and has become extremely paranoid (we're taking his money, hiding things from him, etc., etc. Don't worry. We aren't. But we still refuse to let him keep his CD's, drivers license and social security card in his nightstand drawer ... all together. Can we say "Identity Theft?");

3.  After much thought and research, I changed my charity for the proceeds of Maggie May.  I came across a place called Wednesday's Child and found that this is an organization very close to my heart.  After speaking to the local director, and spending several hours hitting myself upside the head trying to dislodge the lump in my throat, I decided that I needed to do this.  Don't get me wrong ... I will fully support battered women's shelters and I encourage every body out there to do the same.

4.  Nephew Michael and his wife are having problems and we now have Michael living with us ... temporarily. I hope.

5.  That cute little puppy you saw several months ago is now 65+ pounds of clumsy-bull-in-a-china-shop-energetic-chew-anything-including-the-pool-sweep-four-legged-bundle-of-joy.  We thought it was bad last summer when Angel ate the $100 Chinese plant right after we planted it.  Angel is no match for Annie. Annie has, so far, managed to eat (literally): the pool sweep, an entire leather shoe (including shoelaces), three patio chair cushions, one lounge cushion, two floating plastic pool chlorine tablet holders, speaker wires and electrical cord for the outdoor stereo, one box of 12-guage shotgun shells, two Dallas Yellow Pages phone books ... just to mention a few things.  If she wasn't so damn cute when she's asleep ... *sigh*

6.  In the past couple of months, I've been to Austin, Kerrville, Fredericksburg (all in Texas) and Las Vegas; In the next few months, I'll be going to Lake Texoma (Texas/Oklahoma border), San Antonio, Las Vegas and Las Vegas.  No, that's not a typo ... August is The Monkey's birthday (4 years old!!! AHHH!!) and September (ready?) we (tentatively) set the date for September 21st. (for my dear friend, Larry ... timing is everything, isn't it, sweetheart?)

So ... now you know what I've been doing.  One of these days, I may get back into the daily posts (or at least more frequently than monthly) but for now, this is as good as it gets.  You're all in my thoughts, though.

Be well. Be happy. Be safe.

I said good-bye to an old friend today.

It was a bitter-sweet moment. 

I spent some time this morning whispering secrets to her; washing her face; stroking her and making sure she looked her best.

My friend has been around for a while. 

She was with me when I divorced the Butt-Head (she was in fact, the catalyst for the divorce);

She was with me when I took the chance of following my dream and buying the restaurant;

She was with me when my daughter married and again when my first granddaughter was born;

She was with me when I re-newed my relationship with my mom and there were many, many evenings she helped carry us through deep talks and dark secrets;

She was with me when I made the move from California to Maine and she had a major role in making that right turn in Santa Fe, landing in Dallas and thus re-kindling the relationship that continues to this day.

I know she had a good life.  I'll miss her, but in my heart I know she's headed for a good place.  I know that someone else will give her the attention and love she deserves.  And I can feel good in knowing that by letting her go, I have helped someone else, someone who needs her as much as I did way back when she came into my life.

Good-bye, Maggie-May.  You've been a good little car.

Yes, I donated my little 1997 Escort to a place called Charity Motors, who will sell it and the proceeds of the sale will go to whatever organization I choose (I've already chosen the Battered Women's Shelter).  There was nothing wrong with the car ... we just ran out of space and rather than sell it, I wanted to give a little back this time.  Plus we bought a new car.

I had to wipe the coffee off of my monitor when I read this on Michelle's blog today:

"The Monkey has been a delight lately. Tonight at bedtime she explained to me that her thoughts go into her brain at bedtime and go to sleep. In the morning they get up and fall out of her mouth while she has breakfast and then they go to brain school."

Yeah.  That's what happens with my thoughts, too, Monkey. 

Except that when they fall out of my mouth in the mornings, they splinter into ten gazillion pieces and then spend the rest of the day trying to put themselves back together!

By the time they figure out which piece goes with what, they're vying for a new spot in my brain to curl up and go back to sleep.

Oh, well.  Now you know where my little brain has been lately!

Michelle asked me to write something about how I felt when I found out I was going to be a grandmother. Trying to put in to words what it means when you realize that a part of you will soon begin a new cycle of life, is a difficult task. There is such an overwhelming sense of love and pride in being a grandparent, to be able to look at a child and know that they are an extension of you.

For The Monkey’s first birthday, I made a booklet comprised of an email between Michelle and I before The Monkey was born and a collection of photos from her first year. Everything I said to Michelle is how I felt about becoming a grandmother. I can’t post the photos but following is the text from that booklet.

*****************************

One day, a beautiful young lady was talking to her mother about the baby she was soon expecting. She was scared and so very worried about this new life she was about to bring into the world. But her mother was a wise woman and shared her words with her daughter.

 “Now to the only topic I can seem to think of these days ... I don't even know how to change a diaper!” said the daughter.

“Neither did I ... it's one of those things you learn.”

 “How do you learn it? I'm thinking this isn't a trial and error type of situation.”

*************************

The daughter thought some more and then said, “Randy and I are the worst possible role models.”

“I don't happen to believe that ... and you'd be surprised just how much your whole outlook changes when you have a child. Lots of things take on new meaning and other things become far less meaningful.”

“Okay,” replied the daughter, “But, what are WE going to teach a child?“

“Life; how to enjoy it ... how to laugh ... how to love ... how to pick flowers and color rainbows ... how to ski down the bunny hill ... how to get back up when she falls ... how to look at the ocean and wonder how deep it is or look at the sky and wonder how high ... how to look at penguins waddling across the snow and thank God for having such a wonderful sense of humor ... how to cry ... how to touch ... how to feel ... how to be honest ... how to look inside the world around, not just the surface ... how to appreciate each and every day for what it is: one more day.“

***************************

“What am I supposed to do with a baby all day long?” The daughter asked.

“And six months after that baby is born you're going to be asking yourself what do I do without a baby all day?"

“SIX MONTHS!!”

 **************************

“I get mad at the dogs when they wake me up! How will I be when a child does it?”

“I'd get mad when the dogs wake me up, too! And yes, there will be times, lots of times, that you get mad because you want to sleep ... but there will be so many more times that you will stand over that sleeping baby and thank God for every little perfect toe and finger and eyelash ... and then you'll go back to bed and get whatever sleep you can. And always remember ... babies do grow. And they do sleep. And that period of waking up several times a night does not last forever.”

“At least until she’s a teen??“

*****************************

“What if I don't connect to the thing?” asked the daughter.

“The "thing" will be a real person and connecting just happens ... you're getting yourself worked up for something that you have no control over. Let this whole process "happen" ... because it will. Naturally. ALL BY ITSELF.”

**************************

“It all comes down to...WHAT AM I DOING??? I don't know one thing about caring for an undeveloped, un-nurtured being! Momma, I'm terrified!”

“You are probably one of the most caring, nurturing, loving humans ever put on this earth ... any child that ends up in your arms, in your heart and in your soul, will be one of the lucky few that will never know what being alone or unloved feels like ... I know you. I know you are incapable of not caring. And being terrified is OK. I was terrified when you were born ... but eventually the joy overcomes the terror and everything is ok. I promise.”

“You just made me cry!!!”

"Welcome to "Motherhood", honey."

 *****************************

This book was recreated from the actual Email conversation between Michelle & Mom before Sasha was born. The fear and uncertainty of bring Sasha into the world has been replaced with joy, smiles and love … an abundance of love.
Love, Mom

My heart is breaking.

My heart hurts. 

It wants to take you in my arms and hold you. 

It wants to tell you that everything will be alright.

Even though I know it won't.

Not for a long, long time.

If I could take away your pain, I would.

If I could turn back the hands of time and paint your sky with rainbows, I would.

If I could fill the darkness in your heart with sunshine, I would.

If I could convince G*d that it was all a mistake, that she had so much more life to live and never should have been ripped from your life so soon ... I would.

I would.

No, I'm not dead or dying or sick (well, mentally that's a matter of opinion, but physically, I'm just fine), or any of the other terrible happenings that occur around here in blogland.

I've just decided to channel my hugely developed talent in other areas for a while and attempt to start painting and drawing again.  Unfortunately, my little pea-brain is incapable of performing more than one creative chore at a time and I am forced to make a choice between putting my thoughts into words or pictures.

Not to mention the fact that the aforementioned pea-brain seems to be empty of any interesting, witty, serious, or influential words at the moment.

So take heart, my friends.  I am not completely disappearing.  I will return.

Someday. Somewhere. When you least expect it. Some one will jump out and say,

"Smile! You're on Candid Camera!"

p.s. Emails are always welcome. I'll still be checking those! BTW ... Sharky: No, I didn't get your email! Try using the BD contact form and I can respond to you through that.

Love and hugs to everybody.

Just in case you might be considering it, don't.

Those hoogiwhatits that show up on an internet site telling you that you can take home a 42" HD/LCD/Plasma/Wide Screen/Never-again-miss-your-favorite-television-show/Complete-with-HD-DVD-whatchamacallit-player and all you have to do is complete one itsy-bitsy-short-consumer-opinion-survey.

One of the smartest things I've done through all the years that I've been using the internet is to have an "internet-use-only-email" which is what I use whenever I sign up for anything other than trusted, personal websites. 

So when I chose to complete one of those itsy-bitsy-consumer-opinion-surveys and take home my 42" HD/LCD/Plasma/Wide Screen/Never-again-miss-your-favorite-television-show/Complete-with-HD-DVD-whatchamacallit-player, the internet-use-only-email is naturally what I used.

One of the itsy-bitsy-details that is not revealed at the beginning of the itsy-bitsy-consumer-opinion-survey, is that in order to qualify for that wonderful gift, you must complete two offers from websites listed.  Annoying, yes ... but what the hell. Two offers isn't that much and you have a wide array of choices.

However, that is only the beginning.  It's "Two-choices-from-our-silver-offers-followed-by-four-choices-from-our-gold-offers-followed-by-five-choices-from-our-platinum-offers-and-by-the-way-you-don't-get-your-42" HD/LCD/Plasma/Wide Screen/Never-again-miss-your-favorite-television-show/Complete-with-HD-DVD-whatchamacallit-player-until-all-offers-have-been-completed-and-paid-for-in-full".

I got through the silver offers (the infamous Video Professor was one of them) and when I realized just what was going on, I quit.  They, however, have not.

Apparently my email address was distributed to all of those silver-gold-platinum-offers and I am now receiving far more offers than I ever did when I was single and dating and looking for offers. 

Not all of these offers are for dating services, though ... there are banks offering me credit cards, personal loans, home loans, student loans; offers to buy my house, buy my car, buy my dog; offers to give me a dog, give me a computer, give me gift cards; I've "won" well over ten thousand dollars, trips to Mexico, Alaska, Cancun, Iran and Calcutta; I can fill any prescription anywhere in the world, I can have new boobs to rival Pamela Anderson or I can enlarge my penis by at least ten inches; And of course, I can meet singles ... single men, single women, single gays or lesbians, single married men, or single horses (!), all meant to improve my love life.

I have received sixty-five "FINAL NOTICE! Confirmation #8831233099876550996" emails from the same place. Apparently, their definition of "Final" is much different than mine or the gas company's.

I'm just glad I didn't use my real home address. I'm not sure how I would explain dating offers from single horses!

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2006:  

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
   Why? Did someone survive?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
   Jeez! Little extreme, isn't it?!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
   Hey … Whatever you want to call it, ok?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
   Wow! They teach more than I thought in Veterinarian school!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    One less career criminal, I suppose!

War! Dims Hope for Peace
   Mmmmm … maybe. Maybe not!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
   Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
   Uh-oh! Don't tell Gore!
 
London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  
     Ha! Can't get anything past those guys, huh?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
    I think I worked with this engineer once!
  
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    Damn Tang, anyway!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    Mmmmmm! 'Specially with a little salt & pepper!

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    Does this mean they have twice the number of dropouts as other schools?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
    Why? They'll make more playing basketball anyway!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead    
      I'm willing to bet they never knew what hit 'em, though!

HE'S ALIVE! Daveman Returns to Blogdrive!     
      Really! LOOK!! He's RIGHT HERE!!