I am now an official, legal-card-carrying-licensed-member of the legal-card-carrying-licensed-Concealed-Handgun-population of Texas.

You heard that right. Me.

The California-grown-liberal-anti-war-hippie-chick-who-hates-hunting-and-killing-animals, can now carry a concealed weapon, of any kind, in any place that's legal in Texas or any reciprocal state in the country.

When I took the required 10-hour course several weeks ago, I was a little concerned that I would freeze up once we got to the range and had to actually fire a weapon. 

Fortunately, I didn't and I ended the class with a perfect score, on the range and on the written test.

I was however, a tad bit concerned in the ensuing weeks while waiting for the actual license that the issuing agency would come across that minor incidence of pot possession back when I was eighteen and thus have cause to reject my application.

The question on the form was not "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

The question was "Have you ever been arrested?"  

Of course my answer was "no" because in my mind, one constitutes the other. And besides, I was young and stupid, the charges were dropped, I did my obligatory one week in Bob Wiley's Hotel, and my records had been sealed many, many years ago.

But at the time, I did consider jumping up and breaking into a rousing chorus of Alice's Restaurant, when Arlo Guthrie answers the same question ... "Have ya ever been arrested?"

"... and I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre, with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all the phenome ... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

I decided against it though.

No way was I ending up on that Group W bench!

(For you younguns out there who have never heard Alice's Restaurant, or for you old farts like me who just want to relive the happy-hippie times, here's a link to the full lyrics: http://www.arlo.net/lyrics/alices.shtml. ENJOY!)

When Colony Kitchen came to town and advertised for waitresses, hostesses and line cooks, it seemed that every available, unemployed teenager within a twenty mile radius was standing outside the front door.  For most people, this wouldn't be a big deal but in a small, Central Valley town in the early 70's, this was HUGE.

After standing in line for what seemed like four days, my number was called and I confidently went inside for my interview. I knew I was prime material because, after all, I had experience ... The summer before, I had worked at the local Woolworth's lunch counter.  I was golden!

The manager was a young, studly guy we'll call Bob (because I don't remember his real name), who I soon realized was basing his selections not on experience, but on body type.  It certainly helped my chances that I was skinny, blonde and tanned ... three things I haven't seen since then except in old pictures, but I digress ... and I was hired on the spot.

As soon as the restaurant opened, it was a huge success and we were swamped daily!  Since I was still a high school student, my shift was evenings and weekends.

Among the regular customers was an obnoxious, rude, demanding jerk that continually harassed the waitresses, complained about everything, left miserly tips, and was hated by everyone.   If this wasn't bad enough, he usually brought his bratty kids and bitchy wife with him, the kids obviously being trained as little monster clones.  As soon as they walked in the door, there was a collective groan throughout the restaurant.

Of course they usually came in for dinner.  Or lunch on the weekends. My shift. And for some ungodly reason, he zeroed in on me.

One Saturday afternoon, right on schedule, he strutted through the doors, family in tow, and headed directly to my station.

They ordered. He complained. He bitched. He was verbally abusive.

I smiled. I apologized. I made things right.

But when he grabbed my ass, that was it!

When I went back to the kitchen to get the hot fudge sundae the jerk had ordered, I stopped by Bob's office on the way out and said "You may fire me for this, but it's gone far enough."

As I banged through the swinging doors out to the dining room, I glanced back and saw Bob and about five other sets of eyeballs following me.

When I dumped the hot fudge sundae on his lap, the jerk screamed for the manager.  I told him the manager was unavailable because he was on the floor laughing and as soon as he changed his pants, I'd send him out.

I went back to the kitchen, ready to hand in my name badge and gather my final paycheck.

Instead, I was promoted.

Yeah! I knew I was golden!

Yup. That's me.

I am a total DOOFUS!

I remember telephone numbers from childhood (RE4-7065);

I remember my ex-husband's  social security number from 30+ years ago (223-**-18** ... sorry, can't really publish that one! Security reasons, ya know?);

I remember the license plate from a car I had 15 years ago (1AMM729);

When I was working, I could remember amounts on 300 different line items on any number of project budgets;

But can I remember birthdays?

NOOOOOO!

I totally forgot sister-friend Stephanie's birthday.  What a DOOFUS!

So to make up for my doofusness, I'm asking ... pleading ... with everybody to go HERE and wish her a Happy Birthday.

Sometimes, she even updates her blog and hopefully, eventually, she'll see all the wonderful wishes sent her way.

It's the least I can do for being such a DOOFUS!

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STEPHANIE!!

After a very fitful night, waking up every half hour or so with my mind racing at the speed of light attempting to solve every problem of the universe, and my bladder calling out to me at least five times because I drank so many bottles of water yesterday, I actually feel pretty good this morning.  And I managed to accomplish quite a bit in those hours of non-sleep.

I diagnosed my granddaughter's illness (it's a virus, honey. Give her Tylenol, keep her cool ... if that's possible in 119 degree weather ... and just wait your turn. You'll get it next!)

I prepared a salmon for the BBQ we're planning this weekend (little lemon, little cracked pepper, sea salt, very good olive oil,  sliced onion, white wine, wrap it in foil and stick it on the BBQ ... mmmmm, good!)

I went shopping for a bathing suit (after some teeny, tiny, skinny, little wench offered to let me borrow one of hers ... size 0 ... and I managed to get one foot through the leg hole. Bitch.)

I figured out the software program I downloaded yesterday and burned several CD's from old LP's (after spending hours removing the scratchy sound and wasting half of my CD-R's trying to figure it out)

I wrapped my body in saran wrap, trying to loose 20 pounds and ten inches before I went shopping for a bathing suit (my mind told me that if those mineral wraps work, why won't plain old saran wrap?  I seem to remember a craze back in the 70's about this, I think.)

I rearranged the entire living room and patio area (guess I figured we needed to have a couch out doors and a bird feeder in the house. For all the birds that were flying in.)

I wrapped my body in saran wrap before dressing for a formal dinner in San Antonio and actually managed to get into the dress (I couldn't, however, sit down at the table once we got there.  Plus the crinkle sound became very distracting during the dinner conversation and the teeny, tiny, skinny, little wench sitting next to me kept making snarfing noises. Bitch.)

I figured out how to carry a pistol in my purse and shoot an attacker that was walking toward me in the parking lot of a huge shopping center in the middle of nowhere (When it turned out he was only asking for directions, I helped him back on his feet and invited him over for salmon. He declined. Said he didn't eat fish. Go figure!)

All in all, it was a pretty busy night.

I'd make a list of things I need to do today but there's not much left.  Except go to the store.

I'm out of saran wrap.

Warren Buffet is giving away $37.4 Billion  ... BILLION ... dollars.

To charity.

The majority of this $37.4 BILLION dollars is going to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.  Which is already worth over $34 million.  And Mr. Gates is already richer than Mr. Buffet  according to Forbes magazine (Gates: $50 BILLION ... Buffett: $44 BILLION).

Now the way I figure it, if Mr. Buffet felt really generous, and wanted to leave a true philanthropic legacy, he would split that wealth among us peons of society.  Forget those million dollar foundations. 

What about the poor working class slob that has a mortgage, a white picket fence, 1.2 dogs, 1.4 cats, 2.4 kids, and 3.5 cars?

So here's the plan:  We, the people of blogland, develop our own little charity (organization names are now being accepted!). We contact Mr. Buffett and, while he's still in his generous mood, ask for donations.

Then we contact Mr. Gates and inform him that Mr. Buffett so willingly donated millions of dollars to our worthwhile charity.  Not to be outdone, Mr. Gates will surely want to donate more than Mr. Buffett.

Once we receive these donations and take care of the overhead we've incurred (which I understand can run quite high!), we focus on the true nature of our charity.

What do'ya think?  Who wants to go first? Any takers?

Yesterday, while scanning more old pictures, I came across a photo that I didn't recognize.  The little person in the photo, I was sure, was my daughter;  I had not a clue however, who the older gentleman was who sat next to her.

I racked my memory.

I compared this photo with other photos.

                        
      (Michelle)                                                   (??)                                             (Michelle)

I did a mental alphabet roll-call for names.

I was at a total loss.

And then it dawned on me! *DING! Big lightbulb flashes on!*

This wasn't my daughter at all ... it was one of Tom's sons!

I swear ... We did not know each other thirty-plus years ago!

I grew up in many different environments ... different religious beliefs, different political views, and a variety of economic and social levels.  Because of that, I was never "molded" into any one definitive stance.

My first foster home was a family of hunters & fishers.   Deer, quail, dove, pheasant, trout, catfish ... the freezer was generally filled with a variety of game.  I learned how to handle a shotgun, how to skin a deer, how to dress out birds and how to clean and fillet a fish.

I remember being handed the shotgun one time during deer season and being told to "go for it."  As I brought the gun up and looked down the sight, a beautiful doe turned around and looked me straight in the eye. 

Big. Brown. Doe. Eyes.

Pleading. Doe. Eyes.

I couldn't do it. I handed the gun back and never picked it up again.  I became one of those anti-gun advocates. 

Well, not a real anti-gun advocate but an anti-kill advocate.  An anti-Trophy-hunter advocate.  I don't have a problem with hunting for food. I do have a problem with trophy hunting. Hunting  just to kill something and hang the head on a wall. 

I also see no reason for any body to have an automatic assualt weapon, like an AK47 or a MAC-10.  They have one purpose and one purpose only ... to kill.  And not to kill animals. They kill people. In that regard, I am all for gun control.

At the same time, I see no reason why a responsible, law-abiding person should not be allowed to own a gun for personal protection. 

When I was working in San Francisco and often worked until 10:00 or 11:00 at night, I had to walk several blocks, through Civic Center Park, to the BART station.  There were numerous times that this was not a pleasant experience and having protection would have been comforting.

I made an inquiry into a concealed weapon permit.  I was told that the City/County of San Francisco only issued permits in extremely rare circumstances and there were only a few permits that had ever been issued.  

However, I was also told that yes, I could carry a gun.  If it was in plain sight.

Yeah, right.  I was going to walk down the sidewalks of San Francisco, at 11:00 at night, holding a .357 Magnum at my side.

And make it to the BART station.

Alive.

With no police interference.

I passed on that option.

I didn't think my head would look good on a wall.

"Your parents were alcoholics. You grew up in foster homes. One of your foster mothers was slightly crazy.  You had a B average in high school. You started smoking when you were 18. You broke your right arm when you were 4 years old. You broke your left arm when you were eleven. You broke your left arm again when you were sixteen. You started your period when you were thirteen.  You were sexually active when you were ..."

WHOA! Stop right there!

This is what I heard from my ex-father-in-law one evening during an "argument" we were having over some trivial incidence. It had to be trivial because I don't even remember what it was about.  I just remember him reciting my entire history to me.

And making sure I knew that he knew every good, bad or ugly thing I had ever experienced.

The crazy thing was, I never told him any of this stuff.

He knew the exact time, date and place of my birth; he knew my social security number ... and when and where I applied for that number; he knew the same information for every member of my family; he knew things about my family and my past that I didn't know.

He wanted to make it very clear that I was not on the same level as he was.  I didn't care what level he thought I was on or what level he thought he was on. I just wanted to know how he knew all of this information.

I found out later. When he sat my husband and I down for a casual chat about hostage situations. Hostage situations?!

Because of his position, and his knowledge of top-secret-classified-military-installations-and-missile-locations, should we ever be taken hostage by some third-world-crazy-or-wanna-be-second-or-third-world-leader-sicko-type, it was hasta la vista, baby.

No ransom for us! And because this was a real possibility, the government had to know every thing about every person associated with him.

Enter the CIA-OSS-FBI-and ever other three-letter acronym associated with intelligence (and I use that term lightly!) in this country.  Apparently, I have a very thick file with all of them.

Since I divorced the General's son 30+ years ago, I doubt that these guys are still keeping an eye on me. But just in case they read this blog on a daily basis to see what secrets I'm revealing to the world, there is one thing I finally figured out and I told the General that night we argued ...

... he put his pants on the same way I did ... One leg at a time!

I've been going through old pictures and scanning them into my computer so I can print them out (yeah, I know ... how much sense does that make? But there really is a method to my madness. Honest).

I have very few pictures of my daughter when she was growing up, mainly because 1.) her father threw them all away and the ones he did send me ended up being a part of ... 2.) the butthead destroyed the majority of my pictures before I could rescue them after we were divorced.  I have even fewer pictures of me.

When I look at the pictures of Michelle, I try to imagine her as tiny as she was. When this picture was taken ... 

... we had just brought her home from the hospital. She was three weeks old and weighed in at five pounds.  Except that she wasn't lumpy, I could have been carrying a small sack of potatoes!

Little did I know that that tiny little bundle of joy would grow up to look like this ...

 

In thumbing through these pictures, I also happened to find my senior picture from high school ...

*sigh*

At least she looked like me when she was a baby.

Having lived in El Paso for a short time 30+ years ago, my perception of  Texas was cactus and rocks ... dry, dirty, hot and waterless. When we moved to the Dallas area in January, I was pleasantly surprised with trees, lawns, clean streets and cool weather.

Granted, the weather has changed and it's now heading to triple digits.  However, the trees are all in bloom, the lawns are green and well groomed, and there is an abundance of swimming pools and sprinkler systems.

I know because we have all of this. The pool was already here, but we did have a sprinkler system installed and have spent the last six months diligently taking care of the lawn so it is now a wonderful, thick carpet of green.

All of that is about to change because there is now a water shortage in Texas.   We just received a notice from the city that we are in Stage 3 of water conservation.  What does this mean for our beautiful green carpet?

It means it's about to be killed.  We are being restricted to watering one day a week. ONE. Even in California, when we had water shortages, we were able to water every other day ... your house was either odd or even, kind of like the gas shortages of the 70's.

Not here. And there was no "trickle-down-cut-back-slowly-stop-using-so-much-water-or-we're-going-to-limit-ever-body-to-one-day-a-week" warning.

Nope. This was a "as-of-June 18-you-can-not-water-your-lawns-except-on-your-designated-day-see-the-enclosed-map-for-your-zone" notice.

However, we are permitted to keep swimming pools filled. Which is a good thing. There's no lawn in the back yard so I won't have to look at dead, dry grass.

Now if I can only figure out how to over-fill the pool so that it flows into the front yard. 

Without going through the house first.